urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:nicda of a diary hatin' fool nic 2004-05-31T09:31:45Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:nicda:1071 2004-05-31T09:31:45Z 2004-05-31T09:31:45Z well, when i started taking the 12mg paxil, i noticed sleeping longer, but these last few days of the higher dosage really keeps me out, better than ambian. i slept till it was time to get in the car to go to work, about 12 hrs, and am still sleepy. i see now how ed would sleep through his alarm clock when he first started taking it. kinda notice the calmness, like a heavy blanket warmly inticing me to keep inside rather than get up out and struggle. if that makes any sence. i've definitly got to get myself primed and in the correct mindset for fasting. i did it, and was able to maintain five days, but my half hearted desire to do it today lasted till i got to work, still went 15 hrs in between, but i had wanted to fast till i saw m dad on tuesday. so, ate too much twice tonight already, i definitly need things prewrapped. being able to eat cottage cheese from the huge containers, well i've never ate just one servings worth i know...and all the damned apples around my head...yeah, i need strict plans of attack. i have no inbetween middle ground self deciplin. i have extreem dicipline, and zero decipline. i am glad i stopped fasting at the point i did though, since reading lunchbox and broken board sites saying to go too long really slows everything down and ull just gain quickly when eating resumes, and i really don't want this to become a regular thing. do it just like before, rapidly loose it all, slowly build food intake, consistantly maintain through strick eating patterns. it's no coincidence this is paralelling similar themes in my life. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:nicda:970 2004-05-29T09:53:58Z 2004-05-29T09:53:58Z well, i did it....for five days, heh.(yes, i am proud, tummy went down, look like i did when i was back w/ kevin, alllmost into those pants i wore w/ him). fasting was bareable, and now i have a better understanding of what to expect, and how to pace myself....and what to allow my mind to wander into it took a few starts and stops...eating only once i got to work, making myself go longer in between meals. then finally i went the whole night at work on the cleanser fast...and once i start (this is the key) i am quite determined to continue. so, five days pass, and i've told myself i only stop when i cannot walk, or feel like i'm having a heart attack. but i think seeing my fast results and knbowing i was good for five long days, i had hunger pains and weakness, and i was panicky about becoming too weak at work. so, i decided to allow myself a 200 cal cottage cheese and green apple, told myself nothing till tomarrow night IF i needed it, otherwise it's back to the fast till i see my dad on monday and will have to eat something w/ him at lunch (broth soup maybe? keep solids to a minimum). but at 2 am, 6 hours after my first meal, i becvame hungry, said just this mean then nothing till monday. i really do better as an all or nothing person. it's the balancing happy mediums that r my hardest challenges. i won't have trouble eating again; really, i hate weakening my system during a fast, but i need this extra weight off NOW, i want to be in my clothes again, damnit! but i did over do it w/ the second meal; more cottage cheese than needed and 2 apples. so my binging habits r still there waiting for me, have to really work on that. just need to get through a few weeks (three at the most i figure) to lose the 25 or so lbs i need off, then i can focus on maintaning, untill then everytime i allow myself to eat again is a slow down of progress, and/or a major binged-out set back, blehhhh. so, we'll see.....but hey, i did 5 days, woohoo!!and it didn't kill me, i went to work n' all, heh. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:nicda:745 2004-05-08T11:35:30Z 2004-05-08T11:35:30Z well, i managed to keep it at 2 meals a day...only because i could not fall asleep hungry to save my life, it was excruciating. so, i've times it to eating sometime after i arrive at work, and then right befor either leaving for home or going to bed once home...rest of the time the lemon juice-mapple syrup-ceyanne smoothy that has become my drink of choice while on this cleaser fast...really, i am shocked people can go days or weeks strictly on it, i had a mini anxiety attack after a day and a half on it, had to eat a little something to get me to the next day...mayb e as i get used to eating little again i can stretch it longer, going a few day or totally on the lemonade, that's my desire anyway...but i figure eating 2 small means will at least, if slower, loose this weight...that's how i did it before anyhow. tonight, i made a deal w/ myself (*which i hate doing but we are dealing with ourselves afterall) decided after having ate the cottage cheese and apple at 11, would allow myself the second meal at 2 am, cause i was feeling hungry, then nothing till the following night at work, just the lemonade, diet coke and coffee allowed, and i feel confident that i will choose and be able to do this. sigh...should be able to with the help of ed to distract me. when i im'd him after i got up tonight, he was thankfully on (not working so late tonight) and i suggested going to see van helsing the following night (it being sat and his day off) he said he'd rather see the passion, so we're seeing that (he did ask what i wanted to see most, i want whatever he wants....hate it when he's in a pissy mood) and then he added he found a jeep i might be interested in out in the city where he works, didn't remember the address but if i wanted would drive me out to look at it beofre the movie (!) woohoo!! he never asks to go into the city with me, and to do that annnd a movie on the same day, i was so happy. so, i told him i'd bring a change of clothes to work tonight and just go to his place in the morning to sleep before we head out, and also to my surprise he didn't object(prob cause he knows it's hard to figure "well when exactly should i be there to get there in time blah blah, makes it a lot easier to just already be there) so tomarrow should be a fun day. time spent with ed, esp outside of his room, and his mother and her loser bf, is cherrished time indeed. obviously, he needs a break too. still don't know if he read my 7 page word doc of a letter i sent a good week ago. he works late so i understand his going straight to bed, i just really want it to have been read....to see if anything happens, u know? anyway, going over to his house on my lunch break tonight was nice; i was received positivly and less sarcastically, annd i didn't have to do a full bj, i actually got sex, too! and it was fun tonight, he was in an experimental mood (odd considering he was sun burnt and fatigued from the long ass week (he's averaging 115 hours a pay period). but he stayed in a perky mood, maybe cause i looked good (long false eyelashes and sparkly pink eyeshadow w/ newly touched up plantinum bleach job on the hair) and that's ok, men r shallow, i understand this, i accept this. bastard. oh my heck, my mom found her man, online(!) tonight....ohh, he's perfect...i pug owner (was in the pic w/ him) he's old and crusty but in a good, down-to-earth way, and he's a cancer (like me, so she should be able to somewhat relate and understand him, heh)...but what gets me is she was willing to go online, to match.com of all places, looking for a dood! she couldn't email him w/out being a paid member, so i used my debit card, and the funds of what i owe her, to sign her up for a month of dating services ($25 for a month, yee gads)...anyhoo, he's 100 miles of where she wants to possibly go in butt fuck arkansas, so at the least maybe she can have a pal....but i loved how he described himself as "one half of a soul mate"....sigh, so sweet. i wrote for her the email, her request, and sent it off to mr. promising, hope it works out for her and is a positive thing. i told her she obviously learned nothing from my online dating mishaps, oh well. i wish i could remember my dreams, i slept most of the day through...what the hell did i dream? i hate that. the apt i moved out of accepted a $50 payment for damages, from the nearly $200 i owe, thank god...so all n' all, good day. am making a good friend through one of the pro-ana sites i joined, p.a.s.s. i think, she's kewl and good to chat with..hope it turns into a good long friendship, at least i'm learning to talk to other women, heh...i so suck at that, i need lady friends...who live nearby. i think robyn quivers strayed from the diet, i can't see how anyone can go forty days on lemon juice and maple syrup...without loosing their mind. i'm losing my mind...but i'm neurotic when i over eat and when i under eat, so i'd rather undereat and be in a mental hell, liking my body, than felling trapped inside and miserable w/ my body. maybe i need meds? i want to slap my inner voices. i want to be on a deserted island for a month of fasting w/ out the option of food, or driving people away with my lethargy or intense moodiness...i want to wake up and have it be all over...i can maker it, just a few months, tops...25 lbs...i've done 100 lbs this should be cake (fat free low carb cake ofc). i can do it....and when i get there i will feel the sweet truth of my stamina and inner stength, i will breath in my reality of having the body i choose for myself...and not the one that is a slave to comforting sadness with eating. i get to sleep with ed in the morning, how i look forward to that...does that mean he still does in fact love me, and want me?? i can feel myself getting stronger with in this dynamic, or maybe just growing up, and i'm hoping he can sense it, too. maybe he'll respect me more, i dunno. i really don't feel like i belong with anyone else, and that's what, at this point, calms me...if he's not to be, or never will want me back in a ligitimit way...well, i'm at a loss of where to go, i truely do not feel another love calling me...and at this point of detatchment w/ ed, and separation, i think if i did i would definitly be following that call, and releasing myself from ed. being alone would tear and bleed, but the feeling of wasting ur time and not being loved and cherrished in return is so much worse, in my opinion. and i feel, underneith his lack of showing it, to me or to himself, i think he does cherrish me...only now it's beneith the pain of my lies and infedelity...but it was hard for him before; that's what led me to wonder off to begin with...not feeling loved cause he just couldn't show it. we both fucked up, mine was just ickier by far. ("in new york" by U2 plays--good song). yesterday as i left work at 7 am, waiting for my mom to pick me up causer my tire had been flat the night before, i didn't mind the wait; the dandylions cotton balls where blowing towards me, creating the most beautifully tranqil site, morning breeze, sun coming up, and fluffy puff balls flowing....was kewl, anyway. birds chriping, and the mesquito hell of the nighttime had nested for the day, damn bugs, damn lake! heh, we really need to get spell check on this site, i shudder to read back through my entries...it's only cause i'm speed typing w/ my middle fingers, and not looking at the screen, eyes on the keyboard the whole time! really, i'm not renarded....ok, enough for the night...ciaowww urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:nicda:373 2004-05-07T11:05:04Z 2004-05-07T11:05:04Z yep...i made it for 29 hours, not too shabby...try to make it longer, or at least maintain a once a day solid food- rest of the day lemonade diet fast...then, hopefully i can minimilize anxiety and panic and stay under 500 cals a day...till my recent decent into my old coe ways is corrected, overturned, removed...untill i can put my old self back on! fuck the clothes, i want my identity back, the one i had worked so hard to acheive, and came to know and love as myself...yes, i am still "me" with the addtion of 25 pounds (and it may be more, may be less...i refuse to weigh myself)but i want to walk freely and bouncy as i had...no amount of inner acceptance can make me happy with added fat (not healthy muscle weight we're talking here, i wouldn't mind that so much)and i want to like my body again. this means a number of things; it's the evidence that i can change the imposible (going from a 206lb fat girl to awesomly shapped lass of 94lbs- which on a 5'0" person looks appropriate, not anorexicly skeletal). it shows my perserverance, my discipline...my inner strength, all things that i struggle with. i can't fail her (that girl who worked so hard and so long), i can't make it to have been all for nothing....same with my education, i need to get my grades and study habbits in check--fast.i need to get myself in check.i realize the sense of control resticting and anorexia bring is temp, and really probably false, that we need to deal with the emotions and needs that brought us here...i'm hoping denying myself the numbing crutch of food (big coe here) will not in itself turn into another form of not coping, but rather force me to confront my inner deomons...those fat bitches! heh....my inner deamons r my hurt inner wounded child, and i'm sorry inner child for calling u a fat bitch. how to make real friends w/out manipulating, bribing, or lying??? um, i dunno, never really done it. my life is and has been one surrounded by falsness, cause i am not good enough as the honest person i am, and i don't like myself. see how easy it is to say what's really at work with psychosis? but it's true...even when i'm telling the truth, and am really 100% in the conversation, i am on edge, and feel guilty, and feel like i'm needing to be fake so they don't see the real scummy loser trying to , um...steal from them? i dunno, i've tried to analize that one, but it's really bad w/ authority figures. i lock eyes with them and laugh sheepishly, like some crack head...like someone un trustworthy. it's weird. but i do this even with those closest to me...why? is it cause i never felt good enough from my dad? that my life, on it's own problematic and mistake making path, had no meaning or validation if i wasn't on the up and up path of straight a's and mastert's degrees and self-efficiency and buying a house and needing no one? gotta make myself feel like that perfect upstanding awesome go getter brilliant person he thinks i am (from time to time) and not let him see that yes, his greatest fears r true; i'm a frigging loser, ditz who cannot learn from her mistakes w/ ne long or short term memory or ability to multitask or do simple math in her head...or ever acheive anything greater than i am and have right now, which isn't much, and is trashy and falling apart...i am scum in the slums...can he tell, can he see that? i hate myself, i want to bulldoze all the dirt around me and scream at my mom to clean her house, to take pride in her house, so i can learn to do these things too...she'll never settle, i fear, never find peace within herself, but if a good astrological location will make her "think" she's where she belongs and will prosper and find happiness, i'll help her move to buttfuck arkansas or whereever...just, be fucking happy for christ's sake!!! rest in ur home, find happiness were u r and be put....stop running, while the stuff around u rots from ur neglect...do these things so i can learn how to do it through ur example, mom...i need u to help me to change what i've inherited from u...build a life mom, no...stop and enjoy the life u have...find peace, don't let it to have all been a waste. i can make her home pretty, but i feel like i have to do all the work; it gets done, but only cause i pushed for it, and i both resent and am wearied from that. ur just gonna move and be messy again. i just want my area not messy, so people wont think i'm trash...and so i can learn to enjoy were i am in this world. but, no...we're always longing to leave, things will only be good when we get "there". so, let me help her move, this last time...and find happiness, so i can stop worrying about her, and be overwhelmed by the sorry of knowing my mother takes no comfort from her life. no enjoyment, only torment. i think i'm more angered by my father's judgement and total lack of compassion that keeps me from carring, on the surface, what he thinks. it's so much easier to say just go away and not see him, and oddly he seems just as apt to doing the same to me, no real need to have me, on a deep level "in" his life...great. is it any wonder i have picked men who would not let me in, or empower me, or who even really "liked" me at all? yep, to not do so is to live my mother's life; alone with no one loving her, and she not loving anyone. lots of cats. and shit. but not even the kids that she had to make her life fulfilling. it's moments that these that my suicide fanasies comfort me. i don't want to live out this reality at all. i had such high hopes for an exciting, fun and loving life. just make it all go away. no one cares. those who do r sad, too. i hate life. and, i'm too old to be thinking these thoughts, these r fifteen yr olds thoughts. aren't they?...k, i'm gonna stop cause i'm getting pouty; i can feela massive boil of anger start to come up, and i honestly don't know how to articulate it, i'm not smart enough to put words to it. maybe tomarrow i will have a clearer head and can see what was trying to come up here...we'll see